My first exercise is to write out ideas and rules in my eating disorder voice and then challenge them with my healthy voice. Here goes….
My eating disorder is all my fault.
Eating disorders are complicated and the result of unhealthy coping skills. It is not my fault.
I’ll never have a normal relationship with food.
I can work hard and achieve a normal relationship with food. My brain and body are not broken.
Bingeing and purging is my only effective anxiety release.
There are many tools to help reduce my anxiety and overwhelm.
I have to finish my binge dinner even if I don’t feel hungry or like throwing up.
I am in charge of my own eating decisions.
Throwing up feels good.
Throwing up hurts and is awful! Heart rate quickens, I sweat, makes my throat sore.
Throwing up helps my anxiety.
Throwing up actually creates anxiety about my health, getting caught, cleaning it up, teeth problems, kids seeing….
If I start to eat without restricting, I will never stop eating.
My body will know when to stop eating.
Once I start a binge, I can’t stop/ have to throw up.
I never have to keep eating compulsively or have to throw up.
I need rules around what I eat otherwise I’ll go out of control.
My body intuitively knows how to eat and I can get back to that place of meeting its needs.
If I don’t have restriction rules, I’ll get fat.
My body and mind will self-regulate. I may gain weight but it’s unlikely I will become obese. People become obese when they overeat and I am aiming to eat to nourish my body. I will be working with therapists to help me not eat for emotional reasons.
Gaining weight is inherently bad.
No, gaining weight can mean I’m getting stronger! I’m getting muscle back even. Or that I live in a safe environment that gives me the privilege of not having food scarcity. Gaining weight is a sign that I am comfortable in my own skin.
I have to maintain my current skinny weight.
I don’t have to do anything! For whom? Nobody cares what I look like. No one is thinking about it, I promise. I can find self esteem through taking care of my body (damn the cultural expectations, I refuse to be told what to do by them anymore!)
My appetite doesn’t fluctuate from day to day (ie the same amount of food should work Monday and Friday).
That’s insane, of course it does. Based on how much sleep I’ve gotten, exercise I’ve done, hormones, what I ate yesterday…
I don’t need as much food as other people.
I am not superwoman, of course I need food. My body is human just like everyone else. Just because I have pushed it to the limits before doesn’t mean I have to keep doing it!
I have completely wrecked my body so I shouldn’t even try to get better.
It may take some time for it to adjust to being fed, but bodies are incredibly resilient and I am not broke.
This is the only way I know how to eat and it will never change.
I used to drink every day and that changed. It can change, it will just take work.
Being hungry and not eating is a sign of power — it’s a good thing.
It’s depriving your body of what it needs! It’s unkind!
I can control my eating even when I’m starving.
Nope, biology wins. Eventually restricting will end in bingeing.
Eating one “bad” food will make me fat.
Just like losing weight, it takes a consistent pattern of under/over the mark to change the body.
Having one day of extra calories will make me permanently fat.
Nope, just like losing weight, it takes a consistent pattern of under/over the mark to change the body.
I can’t lose weight…ie if I eat more and gain weight then I am stuck with a fat body forever.
I can always refund my own misery. I’ve gained/lost enough times to know my body would respond to restricting if I felt like I had to lose weight.
Eating more will definitely make me gain weight.
Maybe… but it will be a healthy weight in the body that God gave me. This is a chance to show my appreciation for the body God has given me. The idea of loving and honoring my body is a tricky one because Tinsley died… my body failed her.
That I will hate my body if it changes and gets bigger.
I have no idea how I will feel about my body if it changes or gets bigger. I could absolutely love it.
Feeling empty is comforting.
Feeling empty only seems comforting because I’m used to it. Feeling nourished is much, much better!
I have to have something (the binge) to look forward to at night.
I can create other things to look forward to.
The only way to get through the day is to “check out” at night with b/p.
I can find other things to “check out” in a more healthy way, like reading a book.
I won’t enjoy food if it has to stay down.
I know this isn’t true now. I feel good when my food stays down. I may be uncomfortable for a little bit as it digests but that will improve. I’m proud of myself when my food stays down and that overrides any physical feeling.
Tasting Freedom 