trade offs (poem)

i can feel it
i can absolutely feel it
i am not full, i am becoming fat

my stomach toppling over my waist
my thighs knocking together
my upper arms jiggling against my sides

the end of the world falling on top of me!
as my appetite for food
reminds me that i’m human —
but how could i still be human?!?
after all this time…

all the restricting, denying, punishing, obsessing,
all that looking under rocks
for self-esteem, for confidence, for comfort, for love

and always turning up empty
and always being empty

with every meal
i move further away from the destruction
and my fingers attempt to silence my terror
in the realization
that my body can no longer communicate for me

i must find a new voice, a new way of speaking,
a new way of being in this world,
to share what i am feeling

and my stomach might topple over
and my thighs might knock together
and my arms might jiggle against my sides

but my soul is as whole as it has ever been

and in terms of trade offs
i think this is one that i can make