Reviewing the utter insanity of the anorexic and bulimic food intake was extremely powerful and motivating for me. I see spikes of pain, loss of control, hopelessness and self-hate in the lines jagging up and down across these pages. I see white knuckles and doubt, fists balled up so tightly you can’t breathe, and cuticlesContinue reading “Graphs of food intake”
Author Archives: bellelancaster
Tasting food (exercise)
“How does it feel in your mouth? What is the temperature? What is the texture like?” I cannot tell you the last time I tasted my food. I’ve been given a script to follow to promote mindful eating. The concept terrifies me. My first goal is to simply make the recording.
it happened slowly (poem)
i dont know how it happenedbut of course i know how it happened it happened slowlylike pulling a toothlike preparing souplike glasses slipping down your nose and now i am journeying backwardsunraveling a ball of string that knows no other form and all of these new road signs look funnyeven though i have passed themaContinue reading “it happened slowly (poem)”
How Did I Get Here? Brief Timeline of Chronic Eating Disorder
How did I get here? Here’s a snapshot of my rocky history with abusing food. What I now fully appreciate beyond a shadow of a doubt — eating disorders do not just away. There are no life events or external motivations, like going to college, landing a job, getting married, having a baby, that canContinue reading “How Did I Get Here? Brief Timeline of Chronic Eating Disorder”
liar, liar pants on fire (poem)
God, i am sore in my believingyears of tiny triumphs and huge defeatspile on my shouldersand crack with the weight of shameand misunderstandingdeserted by the earth and unwelcome by the heavensthe only place to call homeis this puddle of tears by my bed
the ghosts of yesteryears (poem)
what happens in the space betweenwithin the tiny dots connecting timemoving us from one second to the next what happens in the overridewhen addiction surpasses reasonmaking the body bow down to unholy gods a fervor arrives in rapid descentdriving the fork in and out, up and downfaster and faster and faster until suddenly–!it is tooContinue reading “the ghosts of yesteryears (poem)”
First Consultation (therapy)
February 18, 2020 After my consultation with EF (a dietitian who specializes in eating disorders), I decided she was the right fit for me. First, I outlined my goals: Stop vomiting Stop bingeing Stop starving myself Stop obsessing about my body/weight/size And then we decided on initial marching orders: See my primary doctor for aContinue reading “First Consultation (therapy)”
and delay, they say (poem)
like water like raini have the reasons whybut it still does not make sense to mesuch fear and disdain stuffed into one tiny body and braini do not know how i ended up hereand i do not know what is ahead or what will remain so many times i have scraped the bottomand thought yesContinue reading “and delay, they say (poem)”
nobody knows but me (poem)
the new day shrugs its shoulders at mei fill up on coffee and emptinessto shake off the ghosts from last night i limp through conversations with my lips tightly shut(God forbid the fear slips out or someone sees my teeth)and i set my watch by the reliefi plan to find that evening and when littleContinue reading “nobody knows but me (poem)”
running shoes (poem)
i am never full but always about to explodethese imaginings still haunt me, decades laterit seems impossible it has not resolvedit seems impossible that it could have beenthe sages tell me i cannot think my way into right action–all the studying cannot help me nowbut if i just choose to put one foot forwardthe otherContinue reading “running shoes (poem)”
Tasting Freedom 